You Can’t Fall Apart While Being Picked Apart - Grasshopper
Falling apart is a natural occurrence; picking apart is a mind made strategy that derails the process.
Falling apart is the result of finally realizing you are more than your patterns of behavior. When lifelong patterns begin to come unglued, so do you. That's falling apart.
The intellect wants you to mount a fight against this dismantling and preserve the status quo, and so do others around you. Your body just wants to deal with the distress, but the mental battle keeps the pain alive. It can feel as though death is on your doorstep.
This process happens to some degree in most people, but it's either not recognized or treated as an illness or, worse, a weakness. It gets covered over with limiting terms like: "mid-life crisis," "second childhood" or, my personal favorite, "nervous breakdown." That term reminds me of the old joke about the patient who asks the doctor, "What is the definition of 'flu?"The doctor says, "It's a Latin word that means I don't know either."
I was hesitant to write this because someone who reads this and is falling apart will be tempted to point their finger back at the people who are pointing and picking at them. That may feel good for the moment but it keeps your brighter day at bay.
One of the reasons shows like "Oprah" are so successful is because they pander to this lack of support that many women receive when going through this life changing experience. It's great TV but it's not helpful. For most women, falling apart will happen somewhere between the ages of 30 and 50. It's the real life version of the old song, "Is That All There Is?"
The "Sisterhood" has been brainwashed that what's going on with them is someone else's fault. The chasm gets wider when they don't get the support they need from their partners. They get male maxims that get their fur up - "Get over it," "It's a passing phase," "Tough it out," "Grow up." Sorry, but the reality is most men don't know any better. The bigger reality is they are not the cause of your dilemma.
There is no one to blame, but you'll never find that out by watching "The View." They help women keep alive what naturally needs to die by pointing out the obvious - men don't understand you. But neither do they. It's all quite subtle but these shows are not about relationship building or real solutions. They are more about the justification of what's in place and getting you to clap about it. Sponsors love it. Look at the number of ads on these shows for mind numbing anti-depressants that mask a solution.
They pick apart your life situation and get you to agree there is a villain. This mindset keeps the natural change that wants to happen waiting in the wings while you continue to blame and suffer.
Men fall apart too but, sadly, not usually until much later in life - like on their deathbed. Their entire life remains filled with denial of their feelings and they remain frustrated while continuing to tilt at windmills. Men would benefit greatly by embracing this natural process much earlier in the game.
The good news is there is life after falling apart - a much richer one. Life is no longer filtered through cultural conditioning and is viewed directly as the reality it is. The pretending that our life should be any other way than the way it is, stops. This is one of the most freeing moments of existence.
You begin to focus your attention on how it is instead of how it should be. When you zero in on this reality, any change process will happen faster. Additionally, changes that you truly desire to make become easier. That's because the mind noise of indecision leaves and clear cut paths are presented.
Recognizing that you are falling apart is quite helpful. When the meaning seems to drain from your life, that's your first clue. Life isn't losing anything. Your built-up, surface interaction with it is dissolving as you blend back into the depth of who you really are. It's a scary feeling at first because you haven't experienced it for such a long time - since you were a pre-verbal infant.
You get the unwavering sense that everything is taken care of as you shed the skin of superficiality.
It is also helpful not to blame others or to justify your condition by citing causative circumstances during this period. Yes, ask your friends and family for advice-free support while you make this transition. It will make your evolution smoother and faster by keeping the picking at a minimum.
If you feel you need additional help during this time, select a spiritually savvy counselor - one who knows about this return trip back home and who can act as a guide.
Many avoid falling apart by trying to hold it together. That just insures your eventual unraveling will be more painful.
Falling apart is finding out that we're not who we pretend to be. This allows the painful hook to be removed as we feel the freedom of a fish returned to the sea.
All the best,
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