Sanity Clause - Grasshopper

Every year, I write a letter to Santa Claus, but this year I’m texting, to show Santa I can change with the times. 

Speaking of changes, Santa could you deliver the following ones this holiday season. These changes would preserve my sanity.

Could you have people on Facebook say more than “Happy Birthday”on someone’s special day. If that’s all they can come up with, please advise them to forgo the greeting. It has the sincerity of a smarmy funeral director. 

I would also like people to change back to saying, “you’re welcome” when someone says, “thank you.” I’ve witnessed it change over the past decade or so from “you’re welcome” to “no problem,” and now the newest incarnation is “of course.” I’m not sure you have that much clout Santa, but any effort on your part would be greatly appreciated.

Additionally could you have the football announcers stop saying, “this young man” when referring to a player. It makes the announcer sound two days older than baseball and has a patronizing feel to it.

Also, Santa can you have the cable news channels stop presenting a story that’s days old as “breaking news”? It has the feel of the “boy who cried wolf” too often and risks people paying attention when a story truly does break.

And as you know Santa, I live in Rhode Island (Little Rhody to the locals). Can you have the natives start adding the  middle“T” sound to the following words: button, curtains, and important? They currently say, “Buh-in,” “Cur-Ins,” and “Impor-en.” And for extra credit can they stop calling it “Pizzer” when referring to those delicious tomato pies.

I know I’m asking a lot Santa, but if you and the elves can make it happen, it’ll make my Christmas.

Thank you and Merry Christmas, Santa.
(LJ) Little Johnny

P.S. I heard from one of your mall Santas that you and the missus made a change and stopped taking Ozempic® Honestly, Santa I prefer to have you fat and happy rather than risking your health and feeling crappy.

All the best,