There are few things I know for sure and this is one of them: Keeping the accent on the reasons for behavior, keeps the behavior in place.

You would be astonished by the number of people who fail in changing behaviors just because they won't let go of their reasons. Reasons justify behavior. Your reasons make you "Right."

 

When you're right in feeling justified, a solution is left out.

 

The justification goes something like this: "You would feel this way too if this happened to you." The logic that someone else would have similar feelings in similar circumstance is fairly accurate. Where the logic becomes a logjam is when it continues to keep the reasons in the spotlight.

Reminds me of a story I've told before . . .

 

I had a boyhood friend who turned into a "hopeless drunk." He was a talented musician who had an incredible ear and was a talented performer. I ran into him in my late 30s and he was struggling to find gigs. I asked him what he thought the problem was. He said the reason that he was not successful was because his father refused to help him buy a certain electronic organ that he wanted in his late teens. That organ, and his ability to play it, would have made him attractive to successful bands looking for organ players.

 

Forget for a moment that that had been 20 years ago; It was still the reason he wasn't successful.

 

"The reason I have this addiction is because I am the daughter of an alcoholic father." That may be true, but staying with the reason will do nothing to help you.

 

Oftentimes, we use reasons to get the focus off our behaviors. It's the magician strategy. "If I keep them focused on this hand, they won't notice what the other hand is doing."

 

Here's an unpainted fact: You can't let go of your behavior by hanging on to your reasons. The only species that can "have their cake and eat it too" are dogs who have eaten cake, regurgitated it and then they eat it again.

 

The time we take painting the town red with reasons would be better spent in seeking a solution. Pollution is the result when we reason away a solution. That fog won't lift if we try and reason it away.

 

All the best,

John