Every time we complain, we are expressing pain. Even though we may try in vain, we can't explain away our pain.

My apologies to baseball, but kvetching is the national pastime. Too often it's how we choose to pass the time, even though a remedy doesn't come to pass.

I also know that life isn't an "Up With People" concert, so to twist a poetic line, "Into each life some pain must fall."

Pain has a purpose, mainly to get our attention. How we exacerbate it is by bringing it to the attention to all within earshot.

Pain seeks a remedy. It's like a song searching for an ending chord. When we are in pain, our focus is to get out of pain as quickly as possible.

When we choose the prescription of complain, we've selected the least effective avenue of alleviation.

This isn't a soapbox speech to stiffen your upper lip or an overworked saying like, "No Pain, No Gain." It's more of a clarion call to get you to notice where complaining hasn't gotten you - out of pain.

Here is the most helpful tip I can offer on pain: "Complain to someone who can help you."

Here's a hint: That person is not among the people you normally complain to, nor is it a stranger in the deli line.

Complain to a person who has expertise and a track record of helping people out of pain. Your bartender or hair stylist may have a great ear but have no lasting remedy for pain.

We tend to think of the normal cast of characters we complain to as our support group. What they are supporting is our pain.

Yes, we often need someone to act as a sounding board as we are in the process of seeking a solution. That's a friend, indeed.

But where we fall off the cliff is when we adopt complaining as a lifestyle and spew it in every direction.

Here's the best kept secret that you'll never hear from most therapists because, frankly, they don't know it: Every time you complain, you increase your pain.

If your friend or therapist allows you to go on and talk about the same pain, ad nauseam, over a long period of time, they enable your pain.

The best insight I got into repeated complaining and its result came from Dr. Dave Dobson. He asked, "Do you need to go to the dump to remember what garbage smells like?"

His point was that each time you told that story again, you revivified and intensified the pain.

Thomas Edison's real genius was recognizing what wasn't working and moving on. It's what led him to all his remarkable discoveries.

It is hoped that you will discover that complaining isn't a working strategy for pain. It keeps you focused on unworkable solutions causing you to conduct the same painful experiment again.

All the best,

John