Married To Misery Demands Divorce - Grasshopper
You can't just separate from your misery; you need a clean break. "Married to Misery" is being married to the thoughts in your mind and the story on your lips.
The minute that you stop casually dating your thoughts and marry them, that's when your heartaches begin.
I got an email the other day from a woman with a litany of woes she was experiencing. It was a deeply stained laundry list of why she was the way she was. She was so invested in her relationship with misery that she didn't recognize that she was torturing and keeping herself in place with her thoughts. Here's an excerpt:
My problem wasn't originally weight. I have had several childhood tragedies and my father died when I was a senior in high school. Six months from his funeral I had managed to gain six sizes. My first year of college I lost most of it and managed to be pretty okay with myself. I traveled abroad and became a fairly confident individual once more. After my second study abroad I returned home and started work once more. A month later I met a man, fell madly in love and insanely married him only after knowing him for three months. (I know right!) No matter how you say it. It sounds insane, and it was. Losing my father made me feel as if life was so short and already ticking away. I wanted kids so bad and so did he. It was only after I was pregnant that I had found out he had a serious porn addiction. I battled with it for four years. At the end I found out it wasn't just porn. He had never been faithful. He remarried shortly after our divorce and then divorced her as well. Now I am left picking up the pieces. I have two boys who I don't regret one second. He has missed their birthdays, holidays....What I know now, is that he never loved me at all. He used me to get permanent residency. I admit I have fallen with my weight again. But I feel so broken inside. I hold it all in as strong as I can but somehow all the pain that fills me....just leaves me empty. I don't know why I write you now. All these messages probably never reach you. Best wishes and with dearest hopes.
Here was my partial response:
You sound like you are in the throws of mental torture - meaning you are torturing yourself with your thoughts. One of the biggest revelations I've had in life is that I am not my thoughts; they have a mind of their own. We confuse ourselves with our thoughts about ourselves. We are not our thoughts but, rather, the observer of our thoughts. The observer is the real us. When you observe, you don't engage; you just watch. Take a moment and observe your thoughts. They will go on without your participation. Like I said, "they have a mind of their own." The minute that you start a debate inside your head with one of your thoughts, you get sucked back into torture. You can decide that you want to fight with your thoughts the rest of your life or you can observe them and not engage. By doing so, you will have a lot more peace and a lot less drama in your life.
You are also locked in by your story. You've told it so many times and that just keeps it alive. You need to retire your story. It doesn't serve you. It will only keep you a victim. Stop telling your story and watch your life start to change. People are tired of hearing it and you're tired of telling it but your mind thinks if you tell it one more time, then you'll get the solution. It doesn't work that way - never has and never will. The weight of the world is putting weight on your body. You are weighing yourself down with your thoughts and your story. Begin observing your thoughts and stop telling your story and watch transformation enter your life.
When you stay married to your story, you stay married to your misery. Every time you tell it, you revivify all the pain from the original occurrence and live it all over again. There is nothing therapeutic about telling your story for the umpteenth time. Each telling adds more misery and you get trapped in a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Even your counselor only needs to hear your story ONCE. If they keep encouraging you to tell it, you have a counselor who is not only adding to your misery but getting paid for it.
Every one of us has a tale of woe; some worse than others but it's the tale that wags the dog if we continue wagging our tongue.
Every time you justify the way you are, you renew your vows with misery.
Start observing your thoughts about justifying your story and before too long, you'll part ways with a way that's not working.
All the best,John
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